Response to Feedback paper 2

I agree that in the first two pages I have to switch up some of my sentence structure, to make the essay flow, and come out clearer. I assume I could also add more details on the picture to give more reasons to believe the final assumptions that I made in the  conclusion. I also should add a paragraph that describes the picture without the headline involved. With all these things added I think I could beef up my essay as a whole, making it much more full and interesting to read.